Most people have probably heard the word “consent” before. Many know it’s definition but may not have examined the finer points and what the word truly means, especially regarding intimate relationships.
In this portion of our series on Intimate Partner Violence, Crisis Services of North Alabama (CSNA) is helping us understand consent and we will be outlining the concept of consent and how you can ensure that your relationships are healthy and consensual.
“Consent, noun – Voluntary agreement to or acquiescence in what another proposes or desires; compliance, concurrence, permission.” ~ Definition from the Oxford English Dictionary
Consent is important not only in intimate relationships, but in everyday life as well. Borrowing something with out asking first could be considered theft and sharing something you were told in private without seeking permission would be a breach of confidence. Everything that goes on between friends, family, and partners should have the consent of everyone involved.
As our series is on Intimate Partner Violence, we spoke with Adde Waggoner of CSNA about the concept of consent:
“Consent, in the context of intimate relationships, is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. It is freely given, not coerced, forced, or demanded. Consent is best communicated verbally and often, with check-ins periodically to ensure all participants are in agreement,” said Waggoner. “In sexual situations, talking is the best way to ensure consent.”
In sexual situations, and in relationships in general, communication is key. If partners are not communicating how they are feeling or what they are thinking, it will often lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and mistrust.
Sometimes a partner may do or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable or hurt, and it is important to inform them that you felt that way so they can better understand your boundaries and their relationship with you.
“It’s also important to have boundaries with ourselves so that we don’t engage in any activity that we aren’t truly ok with. Lastly, we also have to respect the boundaries of other. No means no, yes means yes, and maybe means no, at least for now. No doesn’t mean ‘try harder,” Waggoner said.
Its also helpful to have a general understanding of consent when meeting new people. Recognizing and respecting boundaries is important in life. You have likely heard the phrase “No Means No” in the past. This phrase should be taken literally. If someone tells you no, it is not a challenge to make you try harder, or to be more persistent. If someone tells you “no” regarding their personal self, respect that and don’t continue to ask. Consent must be freely and enthusiastically given, and can be withdrawn at any time.
“Consent also means respecting when someone is unsure, hesitant, or says no. If someone says no the first 100 times they are asked, and finally give in the next time they are asked, that’s not really clear consent, that’s wearing the person down, it’s coercion.” Waggoner explains.
There may be times when consent is dubious, namely when someone is intoxicated.
“Being intoxicated can complicate things. Assuming consent can also lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings,” Waggoner said.
A general rule is that if there is anything dubious or unsure about the perceived consent, or if the person does not seem to be in a fit state, be on the safe side and take it as not being consent. You should never assume you have permission to do something unless permission is given clearly and consciously.
We’ve talked a good bit about receiving consent, so we should reiterate how to give consent and set your own boundaries. Regarding this, Waggoner had this to say:
“…communication is key. Communicate when your partner does something you don’t like, or was hurtful, in an assertive manner that helps them understand how their behavior was harmful…”
You should communicate how you are feeling and what your intentions are, always. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, tell them firmly.
Someone may not even realize they have made you feel this way and will change their behavior if informed. If they do not change their behavior, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
In closing, consent should be an integral part of every relationship, and is crucial to happy and healthy sexual relations.
If you are dealing with sexual assault and require help, please call 256-716-1000.
To learn more about this topic, please visit https://csna.org/.